Take all your so called problems...Better put them up in quotations

I need for things to change between Billy and I, I don't want them to be how they have been. I would love nothing more for me to be ok with it, but the more I think about it the more uneasy I get with it. I just need time, and space. I am getting really confused with things going on with us, when we are together we act like we're together and when I leave and go home I feel as if he wants nothing to do with me.

I need to look out for me and do what is best for me, without hurting him but also knowing he respects how I feel. I do love him and I know I want to be with him, one day... just not right now. The timing isn't right and I need to take care of me and I kind of like it just being me. It does get hard at times, but I get through it. I have talked to him about this once before, but it didn't work and it's not his fault it's mine because I let them go back to the way it was.

I know this is all going to be confusing to him and throw him off considering last night, which is half the reason I am still debating if I should talk to him about this or just keep things to myself. I have been though a lot of changes in the past month or so and I like where the changes are taking me, everything is so new to me and so fresh. I have thought about myself, how we were when we were together, and how things are now. My mind and body are slowly changing; my views, thoughts, and emotions are different now and I am slowly losing weight which is giving me such a higher confidence level that's amazing. When we were together, things go so rocky at times I just don't want things to go back to the way they used to be and I think that's why I want to do this change. Things now are good, but I am not fully happy and I need to be.

I have thought about moving on, keeping things the way they are, and finally changing the situation but still having him in my life. The first option was quickly taken out after really thinking about it. Keeping things the same aren't making this not being together thing a lot easier cause I feel like I can have him, but at the same time not. I have felt like I was being put on the back burner in case he did meet someone and it didn't work out but I was still there, I am not going to be that person. I don't want to get hurt.. so I am looking at this in every angle possible and seeing what I can do so I don't get hurt. If I found out he has met someone or talked to someone with interest in them while he has been telling me he loves me and telling me he doesn't want to be with anyone else.. that would be the end of everything. Even though if he did or was, he isn't doing anything wrong cause were not together but just the fact of him doing it would ruin everything. Which is another reason why I want things to be different.

I do know what this may do to the relationship we currently have and I am ready for the consequences, I have thought about that over and over again. It may make things better or make things worse. It may make us both realize things that we should've realized a while ago but just never could. What I want out of this: Hopefully come out if this together, have my unanswered questions answered, and more importantly become more of an independent person.

I am in need of a change, and this is just the beginning of it.
I am ready for what is in store for me.

Moving is never easy, it sucks packing everything up and then unpacking everything.. you always tend to lose something that 5 years from now you go looking for and suddenly miss it. I recently counted how many times I have moved in my life..12 times and who knows how many more I'll be moving. Moving when I was younger was always the hardest cause I'd lose friends and have to change schools and that first day of school is always uneasy. As I'm older it's just another stage in my life.. and I better get used to it too.
I pretty much have everything packed up and moved to where I am going, tomorrow I am moving the rest of my things and I'll be all moved in. I am moving from Tobyhanna, Pennsylvania to Budd Lake, New Jersey. I am still keeping my job in Pennsylvania... it's a 1h and 15min. commute for each way. I am moving back in with my mom, so I have to get used to that all over again but it'll be fine I'm sure. I have all my family pretty much in Jersey but the  most important person to me is in Pennsylvania and him and I are still going to be seeing one another.

I suppose the move won't be so bad after all, just the commute every single day, the extra gas, and the strain on my car is going to bite.


Have a good night all, and enjoy the rest of your night